Pakistan’s Most Wanted FTW

Courtesy Colin Cookman on Twitter, I’ve just discovered Pakistan’s Most Wanted List, compiled by the FIA. Now, the list may be outdated since it was published in 2009, but Manan and I have been poring over it, and here are some gems that we’ve culled from the descriptions of the listed terrorists:

From descriptions of the beards of terrorists:

1. “Beard: “Shia style beard” [uh huh.]
2. “Beard: Like a Jammatis” [oh dear, Munawar Hasan's going to be pissed when he reads that]
3. “Beard: Sometimes as per Sunnah, some times short” [kabhi yahan, kabhi wahan]
4. “Beard: Common Beard” [as sported by 'common man']
5. “Beard: Lawful not thick” [i never knew there was a lawful beard in our Constitution...]

The one liners that describe the suspects’ way of talking, which one would only assume is their dialect, is yet another work of art by the talented souls at the FIA.

1. “Way of Talking: Bihari tone”
2. “Way of Talking: “Speaking on non serious matters”

And when FIA’s describing everything, how could they miss the nose?

1. “Nose: Pressed (Like a Chinese)”
2. “Nose: Small (Bengali type)” [Clearly the FIA has no qualms about being racist]

There are also honorable mentions of the lips.

“Lips: Fatty”

Mustaches are also elaborately described:

“Mustaches: Small arrow style”

Since the FIA believes the terrorists have gaits like horses, voila!

“Gait: Walk like a body builder”
“Gait: Just Like Tableeghi”
“Gait: Relaxable”

Expletives, which I’ve deduced are the catchphrases employed by the terrorists in this Red Book, range from “Abay Chal Bay” to “If you are not a fool” to “Allah Tala Ke Khush Namudi”

And even though most of the terrorists wear “shalwar kameez” or “have an urban appearance” my favourite description of one terrorist’s appearance has to be “Like a common people of Afghanistan”

On Manan’s suggestion, we decided to compare the descriptions of the terrorists with the accompanying pictures, which predictably, don’t match. I’m sure there are numerous bits that we’ve missed out, but I don’t want to deprive you, the reader, of the pleasure of reading through this book.

Perhaps as a disclaimer, the FIA Director General doesn’t truly believe in the information collected in the red book. In his introduction, he states:

Apparently every effort has been made to provide accurate information. However, these lists are never totally up-to-date. Suggestions are therefore, welcome at reports@sig.gov.pk”

Verdict: This book is a work of art. I can safely predict that 20 years from now, we will not quote Ghalib or Faiz, but will quote from this wonderful book, that will have by then revolutionized the way criminal investigations are undertaken around the world. Thank you, Pakistan’s premier investigation agency FIA for this book. Thank you.

About these ads
13 comments
  1. Rehmat said:

    LMAO – I tried downloading this ‘ Pakistan Most Wanted List” but was unable to do so due to my poor internet connectivity. But your description of it is simply hilarious….

  2. crosspak said:

    Brilliant

  3. Sohaib Gulbadan said:

    ya allah khair.

  4. omar said:

    I agree that some of the descriptions are funny, but the overall list is not funny at all. In fact, if you spent some time reading what cases they are wanted in and other interesting facts, rather than the way Pakistani (and for that matter, Indian) police describe beards and complexions, you may begin to learn a thing or two about terrorism in Pakistan…of course, that would detract from this whole narrative of “talibothra” and suchlike, where the war on terror is supposed to be some kind of concocted zionist plot, so its not as interesting as making fun of the Pakistani police…

    • omar, that’s a separate debate altogether and i for one don’t buy into the zionist-raw conspiracy crap, the point being that if the FIA cant get the descriptions right for most of the terrorists on this list (for example, people described as having no beards have a bearded picture!), i’m not going to trust them on their investigation skills. and having witnessed first hand a few investigation procedures conducted by the FIA and the police, i can assure you they’re not very good at their jobs on the ground either.

  5. Nice! it was brilliant! However, it might also be an indication of how well coordinated the counter-terror efforts might be in the country. Unless, they are mindfucking the people on the list. They, in their hollowed out volcanoes, would be relishing the fact that the FIA had it all wrong. They would get their guards down, and then, KABOOM!… perhaps… oh, is there a movie deal on the cards?!!

  6. Kalsoom said:

    I want to meet the militant who walks like a body builder, has fatty lips, and a small arrow style muchie. Hot.

  7. Nab said:

    FIA ko Allah Tala khush namudi farmae.

  8. K said:

    Is this you being sarcastic or is this for real?? Those descriptions will put the matrimonial ads here to shame…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 64 other followers

%d bloggers like this: