Bourne again. And again and again…

From The Guardian:

Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne cinema trilogy (The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum) is now set to become the most lucrative film franchise ever. It comes as no surprise then that another 14 sequels have already been shot. In yet another exclusive, I can now reveal what they are and what they’re about. So, over the next decade look out for:

The Airbourne Polonium: Jason Bourne has just two hours to stop a Russian assassin without getting cancer. This is followed up with The Bourne Endoscopy.

The Bourne Accordion: Jason Bourne thinks he’s a busker.

The Bourne Pandemonium: Jason Bourne has 10 minutes to crack a secret code in a room of 3,000 children.

The Misbourne Conspiracy: Jason Bourne has 15 minutes to stop the River Misbourne in Buckinghamshire from bursting its banks.

The Bourne Londinium: Matt Damon plays an ancient amnesiac spy accused of being involved in the plot to assassinate Caesar.

The Bourneville Conundrum: Jason Bourne has six minutes to find a bar of Cadbury’s chocolate that doesn’t have salmonella.

The Bourne Utility: Matt Damon has become so rich thanks to the Jason Bourne series of films that he now purchases all of the world’s supplies of natural gas.

The Bourne Condominium: Jason Bourne has 20 years to retire to sheltered accommodation for spies.

The Bourne Linoleum: Matt Damon doesn’t do a Bourne film as he has four working days to wait at home for new flooring.

The Ayckbourn Tumescence: Jason Bourne has 14 hours to make Alan Ayckbourn feel erotic.

The Bourne Hostility: People start getting tired of the Bourne sequence and think of a way to get rid of Matt Damon, or at least frighten him.

The Bourne Opprobrium: Matt Damon receives a dead lama in the post.

The Bourne Atrocity: The Bourne franchise ends to everyone’s satisfaction.

The Press…

Sir Humphrey: The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers’ prejudices.

Jim Hacker: Don’t tell me about the Press. I know *exactly* who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by the people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they *ought* to run the country. The Times is read by the people who actually *do* run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who *own* the country. The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by *another* country. The Daily Telegraph is read by the people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don’t care *who* runs the country - as long as she’s got big tits.

-Yes, Prime Minister

Sholay!

Am I the ONLY one who just found this out?!?!

From Wikipedia:

The film has two known endings. The original ending (shown in the Eros-released DVD) has Thakur baldev Singh killing Gabbar Singh, trampling him with spike-soled shoes.The Censor Board of India, The C.B.F.C. (Central Board of Film Certification), however, found the ending unacceptable as they thought that Police officers or even ex-police officers, should not be shown to commit murder. A new ending was filmed, in which the police arrest Gabbar Singh in the nick of time. Several other minor changes were made as well.

I think my childhood would have been a lot different had I seen the original ending.

must..not..retch..

Begum Nawazish Ali wants to run for elections. I’m serious, I read it off Sepia Mutiny, you can read the entire news item here. Ali Saleem also thinks his character is the strongest woman in Pakistan. So deep down inside, all of us just want to be drag queens. Brilliant. Must go throw up now.

Death is the road to awe.

Really, it is.

Or at least, that’s what one feels when hearing the track with that title. Clint Mansell and the Kronos Quartet are geniuses, they’re the people behind the soundtrack of Requiem of a Dream [everyone recognizes the track Summer Overture, especially after Geo decided to use it for its Zara Sochiye campaign], and The Fountain soundtrack is nothing less than mind blowing, evoking so many different emotions at one time that its bewildering, to put it madly.

And if anyone finds [or owns!] the master version of The Fountain’s DVD in Karachi, please let me know ASAP, I have driven the people at Laraib and Shalimar mad with my incessant queries only to hear their reply ‘jee camera print aya hai abhi tau’. God, will I ever be able to watch decent international flicks at local cinemas, instead of bloody Tomb Raider that actually put my father to sleep in cinema despite Angelina Jolie in skintight clothing?

I ask God all the wrong questions.

Fuzzy screens.

In the past week, I have seen:

Entourage: Season 3 [all of it, again!]
Grey’s Anatomy: Season 1 [all], 2[all] and 3 [EP1-12]
House M.D: Season 3 [EP5-8]
Thank You For Smoking
Guru
The Queen

Looking at this list, it really is a wonder that I’m still alive. I really should turn off the TV now before it explodes from overheating or my eyes pop out and fall in front of me, a bloody mass of eyeballs and nerves and contact lenses, all one nice mushy goop. Or I could ponder over how many hours of my life I have wasted in front of the idiot box. Truth is, I loved forgetting about everyone’s existence [including my own] and drooling over the doctors in House and Grey’s. And any form of time out from the world, even if its sitting in front of the TV for long periods of time is a blessing in the disguise of shiny DVDs. And oh, Guru really isn’t that bad [the cinematography is brilliant, Mani Ratnam has a great D.O.P] even though I expected better from a Mani Ratnam film.

I want a permanent time out. And my writer’s block to go away. And a lot more, but let’s take it one at a time. Or two.