You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

I pay my taxes. I try to pay the utility bills on time too, but sometimes that’s not possible because they get delivered a day after they were due. I try not to throw garbage on the road, I dissuade people from spitting paan, something I am mostly unsuccessful at. I try not to break the law. I’m okay with the colour of my passport. Due to a NADRA/ECP fuckup, I couldn’t vote in 2008, but I support the democratic process. In short, I’m a decent citizen (contrary to what you may hear about journalists in Pakistan’s news outlets, some of us don’t take bribes, are only on our organisation’s payroll and don’t get paid fantastic salaries).

Now, for a little truth.

I have a sizable credit card bill, something I’ve been paying off since last year. Its been taking longer than I expected, but I am slowly getting through it. As much as it pains my heart to pay money to an evil bank [die, DIE, YOU UNHELPFUL BASTARDS. I love you, please don't charge me extra interest], I am going through with it. I’d like to wake up one day too, and find out that all my bills have gone far far away, thanks to a handy piece of legislation. But that’s not going to happen to me, is it now? Because after all, I’m the kid that never won anything [except at musical chairs once, but I may have cheated], and with my luck, I’ll probably wake up to find out that the interest rate has been doubled instead.

So dear beneficiaries of the NRO, you’ve had a stress-free two years. The cases went away, your wife (or wives) were finally able to ha-ha Nelson-style at other people, your lawyer now only hears from you on Eid when you send out mass SMS’, and everything was hunky dory. So unless you pull off a miracle in the next seven days, I only have this to say to you: “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”

The war begins.

Image: Associated Press

Via The Guardian:

Pakistan was reeling tonight from a spree of militant violence that plunged its cultural capital into chaos and demonstrated the bloody resolve of Taliban extremists vowing to overthrow the state.

Five attacks in a day in Kohat, Peshawar and Lahore that have left at least 40 people dead and scores injured. Interior Minister Rehman Malik was at his usual best with his statement “Terrorists will conduct more strikes”, while the police and commandos battled to regain control of the Elite Forces HQ and the Manawan Police Training Academy in Lahore, this is obviously the beginning of the fallout of the Waziristan operation. With the Pakistan Army poised to start the war to take back Waziristan, which will be a long and bloody operation (considering it took the Army over 18 hours to regain control of its GHQ, lets reserve our optimism for the outcome of this war),  I am now tired of asking where our government is, what the intelligence apparatus of this country is doing, and why we can’t forget about the Kerry-Lugar Bill for a minute and focus on the fact that we have a war raging on in the country that we don’t seem to be winning. In just one example of the security lapses today, according to eyewitness accounts at Manawan, the walls of the academy, which the terrorists had scaled barely six months ago, have still not been reinforced, and still stand tall at a measly 5 feet.

Oh, just to be clear, the terrorists didn’t enter via the gates to the academy this time either. And if the security setup is going to remain the same, we might as well just hand them the keys to the Kingdom of Pakistan.

Torture and the Pakistani Army

A new video has emerged, taken from what appears to be a mobile phone, of Pakistani army personnel beating up suspected Taliban militants (who appear to hail from FATA/NWFP, from what one can tell).

Earlier, reports emerged that the Pakistani Army had left alleged Taliban members’ bodies out on the roads of Swat. The Sunday Telegraph cited an 18-year old boy “describing seeing dogs eating the bodies of bombing victims lying in his village before he fled.”

According to a BBC report on the video, DG ISPR Athar Abbas says this is “a very serious accusation.”

“I cannot comment on the video till we have examined it. This will take some time as the army headquarters will have to be involved in the process.”

The video is sickening to watch, but the report doesnt come as a surprise. As I mentioned earlier, reports of the Pakistani Army’s involvement in torture and even war crimes in the battle against the Taliban have been circulating for months now. Whether this video is real or not [and so far, it looks pretty authentic], what one would really like is some honesty from the Pakistani Army.

Update: The first video was removed from YouTube almost an hour after I first saw it, YouTube says the video violates their Terms of Use. Blog post has been updated with new video link.

Musharraf, Meera and mithai.

The opening sentence of this article is so well-crafted I want to make babies with it.

From the sweeping presidential palace of Islamabad to an unassuming three-bedroom flat behind the shisha bars and kebab joints of London’s Arabic quarter – one might have expected Pervez Musharraf to do better.

The article also made me feel quite good about literally having a haleem joint, a milkshake joint and various bakeries literally a stone’s throw away from my flat. Of course, my apartment didn’t cost over £1m and I don’t have private security and Scotland Yard detail following me. Instead, I have a chowkidaar who stays asleep for most of the day, and regularly refuses to wake up when the water tanker arrives or if one ever has guests waiting at the apartment’s main gate.

In other news, I was jolted out of my flu-induced stupor by this image of Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, oddly timed to be released around the 9/11 anniversary, which I suggest you show your children (if you have any) if they ask you too many questions. It should shut them up for a while.

Also, If you get invited to the PM’s house anytime soon, remember to take along your own mithai, cos he ain’t serving any. Of course, there is no way of really verifying if this will actually lead to an be enforced, and if other politicians will follow suit, but in any case don’t forget to pack those Toblerones.

And last, but not the least, Meera makes a journalist’s day.

P.S: Those of you who come to this blog looking for Ali Mustafa, please go away. He has a Twitter account, go read his updates instead. I’m going to go take care of my flu.

The Marvi Memon Code.

Dear readers, if it wasn’t bad enough that we’re still watching the aftermath  of the Gojra massacre unfolding with mind boggling explanations offered by the government, we now have someone who can make heads explode in a 140 characters (or less): the one and only Marvi Memon.

Earlier this month, a friend convinced me to follow Marvi Memon, the MNA from PML-Q, on Twitter. I expected hilarity (which Marvi Memon delivered), but today, Ms. Memon just took her tweeting to all new heights.

Example 1: “Jhandula resurfacin in kchi part of destabiliz of pak/ trying to create ethnic sectarian strife/ pmln ppp both rersponsible/aug 11 sspeech”

Ms. Memon, firstly, its Jundullah, not Jhandula. Secondly, at least cite your source, which is the Daily Times in this case. Also, doesn’t the term Jhandula bring to mind an image of a group of rabid flag makers?

Example 2: “My speech on gojra: we condemn it as a party, intel agencies had forwarned but nothin was done/ militants from jhang entered to create desta”

Desta? Oh dear, revenge of the 140 character limit.

Example 3: “We hav jst walked back after walkout protesting on christians being slaughtered in gojra”

Err, didnt take you long to walk back to air-conditioned comfort.

Example 4: “Will travel all of pak to save system thru such systems which govt can’t stop / all dev states have it/ paya jaam poss so don’t push us”

I know this country faces many threats and problems, but the idea of a paya jaam strike called by PML-Q only makes me giggle.

Example 5: “Giving directions to team n Sorting priorities from car. Enroute nazim convention. Will fight for all that’s was gud and that wil b gud.”

All that was good and that will be good. That has to rival the Freedom speech from Braveheart.

As my friend Jay points out, she is a gangsta rapper in the making. Move over Bakhtawar Bhutto-Zardari, Marvi Memon is here to fight for all that was good and that will be good.

Also, if someone does manage to understand what she says, can they please let me know? I’ve gotten a massive headache trying to decipher her tweets, and there’s no Dan Brown in sight either to help me.  Will blog more later, right now I’m going off to fight for all that will be good, Marvi Memon style.

A Rainbow Shines Over India and other Fairy Tales.

It has been a very tumultuous week. First up, I would like to say that I have no words to elaborate on how I feel about the King of Pop’s death. The sister has written a very moving piece on her blog, so you can just read that.

Secondly, I am extremely happy about the Delhi (I’ve always wondered, does one say Delhi or Dilli?) High Court verdict on homosexuality in India. Kudos to the DHC for ensuring homosexuals have equal rights, this is really a remarkable achievement for gay rights’ activists in India. Fingers crossed that India’s colourful political parties accept the verdict with dignity.

And while its unfair to compare the two countries’ judicial systems, a recent ruling in one of our courts has left me seeing red all day.

Via Dawn:

Three suspects in the child marriage case were on Wednesday granted bail by a judicial magistrate (south) against a surety bond of Rs5,000 each.

Eight-year-old Zahida was married to 17-year-old Dilshad in Azam Basti in the jurisdiction of the Mehmoodaad police station on June 25. Later, acting on information provided by some neighbours, the police arrested the girl’s father, Abdul Rasool, the bridegroom, Dilshad, and the Qazi, Qari Naqib Ali Shah, under Section 151 of the criminal procedure code.

Rs.5000 is set as bail and they’re free. The would-be bride is EIGHT years old! The father, qari and the boy’s father should be publicly hanged, along with rapists and child molesters. Maybe that would make them stop suggesting that eight is a suitable age to be married.

This week also saw the publication of a report suggesting that the profits from smuggled cigarettes go into the pockets of the Pakistani Taliban. So the next time you’re at the pan wala, think twice before you ask for the ‘Farsi wala Malboro.’

Then there was today: I spent about six hours at the Jinnah International Airport in Karachi while covering an assignment and have had several realisations hit me at the speed of lightning:

1. People still come to the airport to see the sights.

2. There are WAY too many Chinese-looking people who come to Karachi. What are they all doing here!?

3. It is extremely easy to spread a rumour in Karachi. After being asked, for what must have been the 1000th time, what our camera crew was doing there, we joking replied: “Waiting for Shahrukh Khan to come.” That rumour could have gotten way out of hand had we actually kept a straight face when saying it. I do hope there aren’t people at the airport right now holding up placards saying “SRK I <3 U."

4. Karachi's airport shop has no decent food. Except the packet of Lays' I had there was definitely more fresher than what you get in most stores in the city.

5. Wannabe designer/male model should not wear bright green sneakers to match his t-shirt. It reminds one of puke, not grass. And carrying an LV bag (which looked suspiciously like a handbag) does not maketh a model.

6. Sitting on a luggage trolley is not good for the bones.

I'm sure there were more realisations, but I'm ready to crawl into bed and sleep the sleep of the dead. Unless the cat gets to my pillow first, in which case it will be yet another battle of "Move Your Butt Smoky Cat." Stay tuned.

P.S. Fat monkeys in a zoo in Japan are being put on a diet according to a report in The Telegraph. I’m a little scared after seeing the accompanying photo.