I should’ve done this before the Obama speech, but since I’m lazy, and Afghanistan and Pakistan’s problems don’t seem to be resolving themselves anytime soon, I present to you, after the success of the Long March Drinking Game…*bhangra music*…the AfPak Drinking Game!

1. In the spirit of everyone’s favourite Prince since The Artist Formally Known as Prince, drink some black water every time the word drones are mentioned. AND every time a drone strike hits FATA. If your water supply is not polluted enough to qualify as black, Coke will do.

2. Chug an energy drink every time the word “surge” is mentioned. You can also put your fingers in an electrical socket to keep you awake while thinktankers duel on television.

3. Smoke a joint every time the word “AfPak” is mentioned. Its one of the few things we have in common that we’re not arguing over. Just sit back, roll and smoke.

4. Drink some beer every time Obama is mentioned. You KNOW he likes a cold one every now and then. And since he seems to be reneging on a lot of promises these days, it’ll help take the pain away.

5. Put on a red cap and drink some scotch every time Shireen Mazari, Ahmed Quraishi, Zaid Hamid and Hameed Gul are on TV. I’d suggest Absinthe, but I’d like to see you live.

6. Do some crystal meth every time McChrystal appears on your TV screen. Okay, I’m out of ideas..

7. Do shots of Russian vodka every time the US invasion of Afghanistan is compared to the Soviet invasion.

8. Everyone’s grandmother would agree that Hakimullah Mehsud’s locks are decidedly bhangi like and all his problems would go away if only he brushed his hair. Ergo, drink some bhang every time the word Taliban is mentioned. And fire a round of your AK47 in the air.

9. Stare at this picture of OBL’s niece every time the word Al-Qaeda is mentioned. You’re welcome boys.

10. Cry in your pillow when Google Reader refreshes with a dozen op-eds from writers who can’t tell the difference between the Pakistan and Afghan Taliban.

11. Spray some hairspray in the air when Hillary Clinton talks about change she now believes in.

12. Don a shawl and do a little drunken dance when Karzai appears on television.

And last, but not the least..

13. Drink anything and everything you have in your fridge when this all goes terribly, terribly wrong.

Thanks to the sister for helping with this post. Readers, feel free to add in your suggestions.

Cure those Monday blues with this brilliant poem by Munir Niazi

Thanks to the boys from The Kominas for the poem.

I pay my taxes. I try to pay the utility bills on time too, but sometimes that’s not possible because they get delivered a day after they were due. I try not to throw garbage on the road, I dissuade people from spitting paan, something I am mostly unsuccessful at. I try not to break the law. I’m okay with the colour of my passport. Due to a NADRA/ECP fuckup, I couldn’t vote in 2008, but I support the democratic process. In short, I’m a decent citizen (contrary to what you may hear about journalists in Pakistan’s news outlets, some of us don’t take bribes, are only on our organisation’s payroll and don’t get paid fantastic salaries).

Now, for a little truth.

I have a sizable credit card bill, something I’ve been paying off since last year. Its been taking longer than I expected, but I am slowly getting through it. As much as it pains my heart to pay money to an evil bank [die, DIE, YOU UNHELPFUL BASTARDS. I love you, please don't charge me extra interest], I am going through with it. I’d like to wake up one day too, and find out that all my bills have gone far far away, thanks to a handy piece of legislation. But that’s not going to happen to me, is it now? Because after all, I’m the kid that never won anything [except at musical chairs once, but I may have cheated], and with my luck, I’ll probably wake up to find out that the interest rate has been doubled instead.

So dear beneficiaries of the NRO, you’ve had a stress-free two years. The cases went away, your wife (or wives) were finally able to ha-ha Nelson-style at other people, your lawyer now only hears from you on Eid when you send out mass SMS’, and everything was hunky dory. So unless you pull off a miracle in the next seven days, I only have this to say to you: “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”

25 years after Faiz Ahmed Faiz’s death, I can only say this in remembrance: thank you Faiz sahib.

From the film Firaaq, Naseeruddin Shah reading one of my favourite poems by Faiz:

Faiz Ahmed Faiz reading his poem Aaj Bazaar Mein, followed by Nayyara Noor’s rendition of it:

And my own personal favourite couplet by Faiz:

“Ho chuka ishq, ab hawas hi sahi
Kiya karein, farz hai ada-e-namaz”

RIP Faiz.

Zia Moheyuddin reading the brilliant short story Toba Tek Singh by Saadat Hasan Manto.

Part 1
Part 2

Thanks to Nadir for the link.

Image: Associated Press

Via The Guardian:

Pakistan was reeling tonight from a spree of militant violence that plunged its cultural capital into chaos and demonstrated the bloody resolve of Taliban extremists vowing to overthrow the state.

Five attacks in a day in Kohat, Peshawar and Lahore that have left at least 40 people dead and scores injured. Interior Minister Rehman Malik was at his usual best with his statement “Terrorists will conduct more strikes”, while the police and commandos battled to regain control of the Elite Forces HQ and the Manawan Police Training Academy in Lahore, this is obviously the beginning of the fallout of the Waziristan operation. With the Pakistan Army poised to start the war to take back Waziristan, which will be a long and bloody operation (considering it took the Army over 18 hours to regain control of its GHQ, lets reserve our optimism for the outcome of this war),  I am now tired of asking where our government is, what the intelligence apparatus of this country is doing, and why we can’t forget about the Kerry-Lugar Bill for a minute and focus on the fact that we have a war raging on in the country that we don’t seem to be winning. In just one example of the security lapses today, according to eyewitness accounts at Manawan, the walls of the academy, which the terrorists had scaled barely six months ago, have still not been reinforced, and still stand tall at a measly 5 feet.

Oh, just to be clear, the terrorists didn’t enter via the gates to the academy this time either. And if the security setup is going to remain the same, we might as well just hand them the keys to the Kingdom of Pakistan.

A new video has emerged, taken from what appears to be a mobile phone, of Pakistani army personnel beating up suspected Taliban militants (who appear to hail from FATA/NWFP, from what one can tell).

Earlier, reports emerged that the Pakistani Army had left alleged Taliban members’ bodies out on the roads of Swat. The Sunday Telegraph cited an 18-year old boy “describing seeing dogs eating the bodies of bombing victims lying in his village before he fled.”

According to a BBC report on the video, DG ISPR Athar Abbas says this is “a very serious accusation.”

“I cannot comment on the video till we have examined it. This will take some time as the army headquarters will have to be involved in the process.”

The video is sickening to watch, but the report doesnt come as a surprise. As I mentioned earlier, reports of the Pakistani Army’s involvement in torture and even war crimes in the battle against the Taliban have been circulating for months now. Whether this video is real or not [and so far, it looks pretty authentic], what one would really like is some honesty from the Pakistani Army.

Update: The first video was removed from YouTube almost an hour after I first saw it, YouTube says the video violates their Terms of Use. Blog post has been updated with new video link.

I’ve been meaning to blog. I really, really have.

Then I read Ali Sethi’s The Wishmaker. Not only did I waver between wanting to shoot myself or fall asleep at intervals while reading the book, but at the end of it, I fell into a pit of depression – godawfulbooks always do that to me; the recovery process from reading the first chapter of Aatish Taseer’s Stranger to History was an experience I’d like to forget. The book has no plot to speak of, and is just a collection of random incidents and impressions thrown together. I could go on and on about what I thought of the book, but I will take a shortcut and point you to a great review of Ali Sethi’s book that more or less echoes what I thought of the book, at Ultrabrown.

On the other hand, Baitullah Mehsud can finally be pronounced a dead man. Now we can continue arguing about whether the heir Hakimullah is dead as well, the increasing number of US drone strikes and their effectiveness, Rehman Malik’s mind boggling statements and Marvi Memon’s conspiracy theories [the latest one, via her Twitter feed: "Break in attempts in my office last nite! If govt is so desparate why don't they chek website. It has all documents!"].

Or we can just start placing bets on the Champions Trophy semi-final and start the endless round of questions, to be followed by the usual round of recriminations if Pakistan loses. So will Pakistan win? Will KESC cooperate and not cut off our electricity just as Shahid Afridi’s bowling spell begins? Will there be a kiss, and who will be the lucky recipient? Will we spy Veena Malik [allegedly in South Africa according to a report cited by Cafe Pyala] in the stadium? And lastly, will Wasim Akram calm the fck down in the commentary box!?

The opening sentence of this article is so well-crafted I want to make babies with it.

From the sweeping presidential palace of Islamabad to an unassuming three-bedroom flat behind the shisha bars and kebab joints of London’s Arabic quarter – one might have expected Pervez Musharraf to do better.

The article also made me feel quite good about literally having a haleem joint, a milkshake joint and various bakeries literally a stone’s throw away from my flat. Of course, my apartment didn’t cost over £1m and I don’t have private security and Scotland Yard detail following me. Instead, I have a chowkidaar who stays asleep for most of the day, and regularly refuses to wake up when the water tanker arrives or if one ever has guests waiting at the apartment’s main gate.

In other news, I was jolted out of my flu-induced stupor by this image of Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, oddly timed to be released around the 9/11 anniversary, which I suggest you show your children (if you have any) if they ask you too many questions. It should shut them up for a while.

Also, If you get invited to the PM’s house anytime soon, remember to take along your own mithai, cos he ain’t serving any. Of course, there is no way of really verifying if this will actually lead to an be enforced, and if other politicians will follow suit, but in any case don’t forget to pack those Toblerones.

And last, but not the least, Meera makes a journalist’s day.

P.S: Those of you who come to this blog looking for Ali Mustafa, please go away. He has a Twitter account, go read his updates instead. I’m going to go take care of my flu.

I’ve used up all my active brain cells trying to field off questions why I don’t fast and getting suggestions from friends and acquaintances on how to answer such question [my favourite suggestion so far: "when they ask you why you're not fasting, you ask them how their sex life is"]. Khair, I will just post about what I’ve been reading this week and curse myself later about my sheer laziness [I mean, just look at the blog post title, its stolen from a Phoenix song!].

1. Bositive Neuj Bakistan, one of the funniest blogs I’ve come across in a while. While you’re at it, do check out their Calendar-e-Bakstan, their representative on Twitter LalBrofessor is pretty hilarious too.

2. From Foreign Policy: Cheney’s Jihad by Peter Bergen, detailing the CIA interrogation methods and their effectiveness for the United States.

3. Mohammed Hanif on Jaswant Singh’s book being banned, reports of Pakistan’s demise and more in Times of India. My favourite quote: “Pakistan implodes almost on a daily basis, then gets bored with its own miseries and goes to sleep hoping to wake up just fine. That has never quite happened. Someone recently said, what do you expect from a country where the Father of the Nation (M A Jinnah) happens to be a brother to the Mother of the Nation (Fatima Jinnah). So it’s a bit of a dysfunctional family but then we tell ourselves, which family isn’t?” For those who want to read it in Urdu, there’s Hanif’s article on BBC Urdu about the Jaswant Singh controversy, which you can read here

4. Sex education in schools or not is the new debate, at least, it is in my office following this piece of news. Grrr, in a country where girls get married off at age 8 [sickening, I know], people have a problem with sex education for their children. Parents like the ones who are protesting need to realise that their children will benefit from this, not turn into the Pamela Andersons and Tommy Lees of this world. And having scanned through the book, I do understand that its a little advanced in terms of the concepts and terminology used, but if I had a child, I’d rather they read about this in school as opposed to hearing nonsensical concepts from someone else who regularly confuse their arse and brains.

5. Sadequain’s masterpieces are at risk of fading away, says a report in The National. Having had my breath taken away by the beauty of the murals at the Frere Hall and Lahore Museum, and being appalled at their condition, this article makes me wish I was rich enough to fund the restoration work myself. Where are the so-called patrons of art, who have numerous works by Sadequain gracing their walls, when you need them?

6. A Pakistani man died during the recording of a Unilever show in Thailand. Of course, since according to this piece, “Unilever is Pakistan’s biggest advertiser, with spending in 2007 of $20 million, according to Advertising Age’s ranking of top global advertisers,” don’t expect to see this being talked about in the print or electronic media.