The AfPak Drinking Game.

I should’ve done this before the Obama speech, but since I’m lazy, and Afghanistan and Pakistan’s problems don’t seem to be resolving themselves anytime soon, I present to you, after the success of the Long March Drinking Game…*bhangra music*…the AfPak Drinking Game!

1. In the spirit of everyone’s favourite Prince since The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, drink some black water every time the word drones are mentioned. AND every time a drone strike hits FATA. If your water supply is not polluted enough to qualify as black, Coke will do.

2. Chug an energy drink every time the word “surge” is mentioned. You can also put your fingers in an electrical socket to keep you awake while thinktankers duel on television.

3. Smoke a joint every time the word “AfPak” is mentioned. Its one of the few things we have in common that we’re not arguing over. Just sit back, roll and smoke.

4. Drink some beer every time Obama is mentioned. You KNOW he likes a cold one every now and then. And since he seems to be reneging on a lot of promises these days, it’ll help take the pain away.

5. Put on a red cap and drink some scotch every time Shireen Mazari, Ahmed Quraishi, Zaid Hamid and Hameed Gul are on TV. I’d suggest Absinthe, but I’d like to see you live.

6. Do some crystal meth every time McChrystal appears on your TV screen. Okay, I’m out of ideas..

7. Do shots of Russian vodka every time the US invasion of Afghanistan is compared to the Soviet invasion.

8. Everyone’s grandmother would agree that Hakimullah Mehsud’s locks are decidedly bhangi like and all his problems would go away if only he brushed his hair. Ergo, drink some bhang every time the word Taliban is mentioned. And fire a round of your AK47 in the air.

9. Stare at this picture of OBL’s niece every time the word Al-Qaeda is mentioned. You’re welcome boys.

10. Cry in your pillow when Google Reader refreshes with a dozen op-eds from writers who can’t tell the difference between the Pakistan and Afghan Taliban.

11. Spray some hairspray in the air when Hillary Clinton talks about change she now believes in.

12. Don a shawl and do a little drunken dance when Karzai appears on television.

And last, but not the least..

13. Drink anything and everything you have in your fridge when this all goes terribly, terribly wrong.

Thanks to the sister for helping with this post. Readers, feel free to add in your suggestions.

  1. jimpivonka said:

    Apart from being or having been an instrument of Pakistan’s national security policy, how does the Pakistan Taliban differ from Afghan Taliban? (Even that distinction requires belief that the Afghan Taliban has not been an instrument of US national policy since sometime during the Clinton Administration.)

    It’s a lot easier for me to count their similarities (youth suicide based terrorism, Saudi funded Salafist madrasseh training & recruitment tactics, anti Shia pogroms, etc.) than differences. Perhaps you can correct me.

  2. kaagaz said:

    Deep swig of warm, flat Bud Light every time Obama says “democracy”/ “freedom.” To repent for your sins.

    Every time someone mentions nuclear weapons, eat some leftover bakra, in memory of our very own sacrificial mad goat, AQ Khan.

  3. I’ll drain a cup of memory potion the next time I confuse Jalalluddin Haqqani with Husain Haqqani

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  5. ali said:

    the boys thank you for number 9. 😀

  6. “And fire a round of your AK47 in the air.” 🙂


    1. Kick yourself on the Musharraf ebery time you here “Enlightend moderation”
    2. Plij to have a shot of 85% Everclear whenever joo hear a % over 200% (and bonus shot for 400%)
    3. 3 choti gillasi of Roohahza every time an Al Keeda no. 3 ij caught in the AfPak rejan
    4. a B52 for every time an Al-Keeda who was shaheedized “Resurfaces” in teh AFpak

  7. Aamir Muneer said:

    Drink as much “Daroo” as you can whenever someone says Indians are doing only “relief” and “aid” work in Afghanistan. This is also recommended when someone says India is no threat for.

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