Courtesy Colin Cookman on Twitter, I’ve just discovered Pakistan’s Most Wanted List, compiled by the FIA. Now, the list may be outdated since it was published in 2009, but Manan and I have been poring over it, and here are some gems that we’ve culled from the descriptions of the listed terrorists:
From descriptions of the beards of terrorists:
1. “Beard: “Shia style beard” [uh huh.]
2. “Beard: Like a Jammatis” [oh dear, Munawar Hasan’s going to be pissed when he reads that]
3. “Beard: Sometimes as per Sunnah, some times short” [kabhi yahan, kabhi wahan]
4. “Beard: Common Beard” [as sported by ‘common man’]
5. “Beard: Lawful not thick” [i never knew there was a lawful beard in our Constitution…]
The one liners that describe the suspects’ way of talking, which one would only assume is their dialect, is yet another work of art by the talented souls at the FIA.
1. “Way of Talking: Bihari tone”
2. “Way of Talking: “Speaking on non serious matters”
And when FIA’s describing everything, how could they miss the nose?
1. “Nose: Pressed (Like a Chinese)”
2. “Nose: Small (Bengali type)” [Clearly the FIA has no qualms about being racist]
There are also honorable mentions of the lips.
Mustaches are also elaborately described:
“Mustaches: Small arrow style”
Since the FIA believes the terrorists have gaits like horses, voila!
“Gait: Walk like a body builder”
“Gait: Just Like Tableeghi”
Expletives, which I’ve deduced are the catchphrases employed by the terrorists in this Red Book, range from “Abay Chal Bay” to “If you are not a fool” to “Allah Tala Ke Khush Namudi”
And even though most of the terrorists wear “shalwar kameez” or “have an urban appearance” my favourite description of one terrorist’s appearance has to be “Like a common people of Afghanistan”
On Manan’s suggestion, we decided to compare the descriptions of the terrorists with the accompanying pictures, which predictably, don’t match. I’m sure there are numerous bits that we’ve missed out, but I don’t want to deprive you, the reader, of the pleasure of reading through this book.
Perhaps as a disclaimer, the FIA Director General doesn’t truly believe in the information collected in the red book. In his introduction, he states:
“Apparently every effort has been made to provide accurate information. However, these lists are never totally up-to-date. Suggestions are therefore, welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org”
Verdict: This book is a work of art. I can safely predict that 20 years from now, we will not quote Ghalib or Faiz, but will quote from this wonderful book, that will have by then revolutionized the way criminal investigations are undertaken around the world. Thank you, Pakistan’s premier investigation agency FIA for this book. Thank you.